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Banned From Argo

(HTMLizer's Note: I do not have a citation anymore for who originally posted this... -RAL)

Note: (in big purple letters:) This is as heard from the album Star Trek: The Official Comedy Album, and is recorded off the original 45 record. As such, the quality is pretty awful, and the words tend to get drowned out by the banjos every now and then. I have approximated.

"Banned From Argo"

When we pulled into Argoport, in need of R & R,
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar,
We had high expectations of their hospitality,
Too bad they weren't geared to handle spacer-types like we...

And we're banned from Argo, every one,
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!

Our Captain's tastes are simple but his methods are complex,
We found him with five partners, each of a different world and sex,
The shore police were coming, and we had no second chance,
We beamed him up in the nick of time, with the remnants of his pants.


Our proper, cool First Officer got drunk on something green,
And crawled into an alley, where he suffered things obscene.
He sobered up in sickbay, and is none the worse for wear,
Except he somehow taught the ship's computer how to swear.


Our Doctor loves humanity, his private life is quiet;
He got himself arrested for inciting whores to riot.
We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free,
Intact except for hickeys, and six kinds of V.D!


Our lady of Communications won a ship-wide bet,
By hacking into the planet's main communications net;
Now every time you call someone on an Argo tele-screen,
The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen!


Our Helmsman loves exotic plants, and the plants all love him too;
He brought some down on leave with him, and we wondered what they'd do,
The planetary governor called and swore upon his life
That a gang of plants entwined his house, and then seduced his wife.


Our Engineer, he yields to none in putting down the brew,
He outdrank seven Space Marines and a demolitions crew,
Our Navigator didn't win, but he out-drank almost all,
And that's why there's a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall.


Our Chief Nurse disappeared a while in the local dope bazaar,
Buying an odd green potion guaranteed to cause ponn farr;
She came home with no uniform, and a smile in her heart,
And a painful way of walking with her feet a yard apart.


A gang of pirates landed there, but no-one seemed to care;
They stomped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.
But half our crew was sitting there, and invited them to play,
The pirates slowly looked at us, and turned, and ran away!


Oh, we are Starfleet's finest, and our record is our pride,
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide.
We're sorry 'bout the wreckage and the riots and the fuss;
At least we know that Argo won't be quick forgetting us!

And we're banned from Argo, every one,
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,
But Argo doesn't want us anymore! (I wonder why...)

Note: At the last Balticon, I heard a TNG version. I don't remember much (except that Wesley died about four different ways), but the chorus was:

And we've gone where no one's gone before,
"One," not "man," 'cause we're not sexist anymore,
A generation later you'd think that we'd know the score,
But I think that we've seen all of this before.

Netscape HTML Checked! January 20, 1994 - Robert Lentz (

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