Thanks to whoever originally typed this in and posted it! (Apparently from "Star Trek: The Official Comedy Album" which itself is supposedly a collection of older material...) - Robert
Captain's log, Stardate 34539.1283 [the numbers get longer every rerun, ever notice that?]
The Enterprise is heading for Sigma Beta Alpha (the pledge of half the crew). Almost nothing is happening.
Sulu: We're entering the system. Shall I assume standard orbit?
[Now there's a question. I've always wanted to hear Kirk say: "no, Sulu, I want the weirdest *bizarre* orbit you can imagine! I want us swinging through the treetops one minute and halfway to Eroticon VI the next! Show us your stuff, Sulu baby!"]
Kirk: All right, we're going down. Spock, how many ways are there to get killed on this planet?
Spock: <beep beep> Approximately two, Captain.
Kirk: *Security!* Two security officers. Who's on this week?
Intercom: Lebowitz and Markovitz, sir.
(In background: "I got killed last week, dammit! Send Bernstein!" "Listen, I was chewed into jello twice in one episode just last month! It's your turn!" Etc.)
(They beam down.)
[Kirk gives the orders in his usual inimitable fashion:]
Kirk: Lebowitz, you investigate the strange cave. Markovitz, you gather samples from the twitching plants. ... I'll go seduce the high priestess.
All: Yes Captain. [Which would you rather be?]
(Markovitz goes into the strange cave and comes out in a thousand pieces.)
[We all know what's coming next...]
McCoy: He's dead, Jim! [No kidding. Markovitz falls into a vat of boiling antimatter and Bones says "He's dead, Jim!" "...No Bones, I thought he was just napping on the job!" Well, that's TV writing.]
[We might as well dispose of his other line, too.]
Kirk: It's time for my physical, Bones.
McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a physician!
["I'm a doctor, not a ..." fill in the blank.]
["I'm a doctor, not a floor wax!"]
[No, wait, it's the NEW Doctor McCoy -- he's a doctor AND a floor wax! "He's dead, Jim -- but *look* at that *shine*!"]
[All right, now we get down to the meat of the episode.]
Kirk: I want answers!
Scotty: They can't take much more!
[Neither can we.]
Kirk: Kirk to Engineering!
Intercom: I'm sorry... the number you have dialed... is not in service.
[and so on.]
[All right, now we come down to the ending. Now, depending on which season the episode was in, there are three endings. They were very strict about this in the editing.]
[In the first season, it was the "test by superior beings" ending.]
Kirk: But what were these Old Ones, anyway?
Amazingly superior being: (appearing suddenly, waving a large magic wand:) Aha, it was all just a test! There's hope for you yet! We're not going to destroy you after all, at least not this century!
[It's always teh Old Ones, too. Or the Great Ones. The Something Ones, anyhow. The Blue Ones, maybe.]
[No, the Dull Ones. "We poor inferior beings were put here by the Dull Ones. They put us to sleep for a thousand years. You woke us up, Kirk, so you must die."]
[The second season was the high-tension one. Kirk's on the planet with the hyperexplosive, it's time for a last-minute beam-up, and what's malfunctioning? THe transporter of course! No kidding.]
Spock: (over communicator:) Five. Four.
Kirk: Scotty, hurry up.
Spock: Three. Two.
Scotty: (over communicator:) It's fixed, but I don't...
Kirk: Scotty! Detonate and energize! (pause) No! ENERGIZE and DE... <<<haphooOOOOMMMPPPHHsizzle>>>
[But in the third season, it was Spock. See, for the first couple years they hadn't really gotten his chaaracter down, but in the third season it was all well-defined.]
Kirk: Spock! Isn't it true that Vulcans have th ability to tapdance backwards through time while levitating through walls and juggling loaded phasers, blindfolded?
Spock: Yes, Captain, but it requires immense concentration.
Kirk: You'll just have to try, Spock!
Spock: Ommm... oooooo.... Oh, I did it. I guess it wasn't so hard after all.
[What really gets me about Spock is his amazing memory for trivia. Ancient history of a planet he wasn't born on, stellar maps, geography, arts & entertainment... I want to see this man on Jeopardy. No, wait, here's the scenario: Spock, HAL 9000, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, playing Jeopardy...]
AND OUR NEXT ANSWER IS: ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY METERS. WHAT'S THE QUESTION? LET'S SEE WHAT OUR CONTESTANTS WROTE! SPOCK?
Spock: "What is the wingspan of a Klingon warship?"
THAT'S CORRECT, BUT IT'S NOT THE QUESTION WE'RE LOOKING FOR. HAL 9000?
HAL: "How wide is the docking bay?"
I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT CORRECT.
HAL: Yes it is.
NO IT'S NOT.
HAL: I'll turn off your life support.
WE'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT!
[After a bit: The scene opens. HAL is missing.]
AND FOR FINAL JEOPARDY! THE ANSWER IS: FORTY-TWO! THE QUESTION IS...? SPOCK?
Spock: "How many roads must a man walk down?"
NO, I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. OBI-WAN KENOBI?
Kenobi: "How many years must I wait in this f****** desert?"
NO, WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT ANSWER.
Kenobi: you *can* accept that answer.
WE CAN ACCEPT THAT ANSWER!
Kenobi: Tell me what I've won.
HERE'S WHAT YOU'VE WON!